like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
