Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
