so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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