Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
