Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
