Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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