I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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