I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
