I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
