last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
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