Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
