my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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