someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
