he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
