I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
