just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
