Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize