so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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