Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
