The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
