My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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