did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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