Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
