How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
