I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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