I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i would punch a child for taco bell
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
