Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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