someone threw a dead crab at me
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
