i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
