oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
