Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
