just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
