I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
