We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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