I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
