I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
