why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
