Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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