What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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