I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
