i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
