brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
