Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
