Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
