It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
