Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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