Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
