I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
