You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
