you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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