giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
