You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
