Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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