Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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