i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
